Posted: 3:00 p.m. Wednesday, April 10, 2013
By Connor Tapp
Based on our observations, it appears as though many bloggers are already using something closely resembling the RECENT CLOWNEY NEWS EVENT template that we will lay out below, but we thought it worthwhile to establish a uniform standard for all Clowney posts between now and the season opener against North Carolina on August 29th.
Begin by recounting the details of a recent news story involving JADEVEON CLOWNEY. [If possible, embed some tweets from @JoshAtTheState and @DarrylSlater.]
Since RECENT CLOWNEY NEWS EVENT doesn't have a whole lot of meat to it, you're going to want to quickly change the subject. Try a transition sentence like this one: "But when the 6'6" defensive end isn't being sidelined with a devastating neck injury that will keep him out for a whopping two practices, he's knocking Michigan running back Vincent Smith into next week."
Then, spend a paragraph talking about THE HIT and then embed the video because PAGEVIEWS. Mention in passing that this highlight was SportsCenter's "Best of the Best" highlight for [X] consecutive days even though you don't know what a "Best of the Best" highlight is because nobody has watched SportsCenter since 2006 because YOUTUBE and COORS LIGHT COLD HARD FACTS.
[EMBED PIC OF CLOWNEY LEAPFROGGING THAT GEORGIA BRO]
Now, speculate about whether Jadeveon Clowney could be the first defensive player to win a HEISMAN TROPHY and how RECENT CLOWNEY NEWS EVENT effects his chances. (Mention MATI TE'O paving the way for defensive players to be taken seriously as candidates for the Heisman Trophy because you'll get some runoff page views from people still Googling "manti teo gay?". Come to think of it, you might want to just go ahead and type "manti teo gay?" verbatim.)
End with a preview of your next hot take on Jadeveon Clowney that is sure to be a great WORLD WIDE WEB TRAFFIC success for you and your blog.
Example: Up Next: Is FIVE STAR PROSPECT better than Clowney? (You'll raise the question and then do absolutely nothing to answer it because that would involve talent evaluation skills that you do not possess and picking up the phone and calling a scout does not generate PAGEVIEWS.)
Now you just need a title that will catch people's eyes.
Oh! I've got it: WHAT IF JADEVEON CLOWNEY WAS ASIAN?