Posted: 12:11 p.m. Monday, Sept. 30, 2013
We here at Good Bull Hunting like to make sure our readers are not just informed, but always at the height of fashion. You may remember someexcellentpieces written by friends of the program jlemmons96 and fletcher.massie. However, I felt that one particular group has gone woefully unrepresented in these past write-ups, a group particularly close to me: the grizzled old married dude. Former Yell Leader, resident hipster, and tradition enthusiast Fletcher Massie was kind enough to contribute illustrations to keep you as fashion forward as is absolutely necessary, and no more. (If you aren't following @FletcherMassie yet, you are doing yourself a disservice.)
OK guys, the bad news is that your body is beginning to show the ravages of time, beer, and spare ribs, and you're pretty sure that Tolkein must have designed your wedding band because it makes you completely invisible to women. The good news is that means you can wear whatever the hell you want because it doesn't matter anymore. Sure your wife is embarrassed to be seen in public with you when you wear jorts, but I'm pretty sure that's covered in the "for better or for worse" part.
Do you have strong opinions about property taxes? Have you recently watched an infomercial and thought "that does seem like an easy way to burn fat in just 20 minutes a day..."? You don't know what 'twerking' is, but you do know that Miley Cyrus girl's dad must be very disappointed in her? You have come to the right place, friend.
Let's get you dressed.
THE HAT - A trusty old ballcap will help shade your face from the ravages of the sun whilst simultaneously concealing that pesky male pattern baldness. Of course shaping the hat is up to you, but just remember that flat brims are the preferred style of Justin Bieber and your grandfather. Your move.
THE SHADES - If you think you're still cool enough to pull off Wayfarers, then by all means go ahead. You aren't though. Consider as an alternative some sporty Oakleys. Showing people you can afford to blow $150 on sunglasses while at the same time desperately clinging to an athletic personae that left you years ago? That sounds like two birds to me! At your age aviators should be avoided due to "molesty" factor.
FACIAL HAIR - A full beard says "I have years of wisdom in me and also a second chin I would like to conceal." Added bonus: the kids might think you're emulating the members of Band of Horses or some other damned dirty hippie band. Again, at your age mustaches should be avoided for the same reasons as aviators above. The exception is any stache that reaches Ditka/Swanson levels of plumage. You, sir, are a connoisseur.
THE SHIRT - A moisture wicking polo or vent-backed fishing shirt is highly recommended for properly air-cooling that sex machine of a torso. Alternatively, consider wearing a T-shirt from your glory days on campus. Grease stains from cleaning out the garage are signs of character, but armpit holes should be kept to a maximum of 2" in diameter. All of these options will help you properly showcase your ample midsection, a testament to the fact that you got more from your days at A&M; than just a degree.
THE SHORTS - Cargo shorts are a surer sign that you're married than a wedding band. Only the goofiest of bulky cargo shorts can allow you to mule the amount of bulk goods your wife needs with her but can't carry herself. Try fitting keys, wallet, two cell phones, ID, cash, camera, chap stick, and other sundries in a pair of Chubbies. You are her Sherpa guide as she attempts the Kyle Field summit. And when the ladies say guys should let their thighs show, they did not mean those pasty, hairy meatsacks you so carefully hide from public view most days of the week.
THE FOOTWEAR - As a tragically uncool married guy, you really only have two options here. If you are concerned about foot fatigue through the day then you definitely should be wearing your favorite plain white, off-brand sneakers with white socks. But why imprison your feet in those leather coffins? A pair of old ratty flip-flops will really let those bad boys breathe, and while direct sunlight has not been proven to cure gross yellow toenail fungus, it hasn't been proven not to amirite?
OK fellas, let's try not to get hurt out there. If you feel a twinge in your back, best set the keg down and make someone else carry it. See you at the next tailgate!